I have a colleague from grad school who has made it her life's work to "prove" being homosexual is a choice and that being transgender is a "mental disorder". She even wrote a book on it with alleged "evidence" from research (no doubt strongly biased). She is a fundamentalist Christian. It just galls me an at the same time I am aware there are people who just cannot wrap their heads around the idea that different from them is not "bad" or wrong. Sometimes it feels overwhelming. I don't know what to do to help. It is then I go back to my "hula hoop" philosophy-- I put the things I can control-- the things in my "hula hoop" in order and love others as best I can. I am saddened by the hurt you have experienced by just being you. We all have the desire to freely be ourselves and when that is oppressed or when we are forced to suppress it because of others, it is painful. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I know you are a courageous, compassionate soul. I am so glad to know you, brother. <3

Support for fathers is so important. Media tends to portray dads as stupid or inept or angry or withdrawn- so not helpful. There is a powerful bias against fathers as primary caregivers, too- I often saw it when I worked in child welfare-- always the assumption that dad could not possibly know what he was doing and would need more supervision and help than mom would. Awareness of that bias and support for dads couls go a long way.

In my work as a therapist I find I really need to pay attention to my biases, assumptions, and ingrained ways of thinking about men-- their motivations, their behaviors, etc. I have not always been as helpful to them as I could have been if I had operated with more awareness. Thank you for writing so clearly and eloquently on the subject.

Thank you so much for this. Of all of the ways to heal trauma, I really like sharing one's story-- Brene Brown says the cure for shame comes in the form of 2 words- "me too". I love that. I have seen trauma survivors really thrive when they are able to share their experiences in a safe place with others. We are creatures of belonging- we were created to be in relationship. Anything that makes us feel like "other" is wounding. Bringing us back into connection is healing.

"Don’t like the story that has been written? Write another one and repeat that over and over again." At the risk of sounding whiny... But it's HARRRDDD. Seriously. After awhile I just get tired of being the one to have to keep saying the same thing and having the same arguments over and over again. I am also aware that people are rarely changed by information. They are changed by experience. I find myself asking- how do I create an experience that enhances awareness of the insufficiency (at best) and harmfulness (at worst) of the Dominant Narrative?

Amen! And it is my opinion any therapeutic intervention provided without compassion is malpractice. It has been my experience that compassion has to come first-- INFORMED and compassionate-- there are a lot of well meaning "helpers" out there who are doing less good than they could be. :)- Thaeda

@audreyjordan2012 Thanks a bunch for that link- I will check it out! - Thaeda

"Practitioners tend to define success for survivors as having the recognition that they need to break all ties with the abuser; that their safety is the one priority (even if it means isolation from one’s support network). Success also happens when survivors use all the services the practitioner prescribes to get their lives back on track. That’s a real disconnection. It explains why therapy, or “the help,” isn’t as helpful as it could be and often doesn’t work. " In my work in child welfare for a dozen years, I was trained to see "success" in this way- so glad studies like yours can offer insight into what feels like success for survivors. I continue to work with families experiencing violence in my work at an outpatient clinic- appreciate this information and your perspective.

"We believe that labelling people with singular negative identities dehumanize, objectify, and justify harsh responses. Being void of empathy, labels negate care and compassion." - This resonates so powerfully for me. I see it over and over- particularly for men who have acted out with physical violence in relationships. In the area where I work and live, the only "domestic violence" counseling providers are people who use harsh labels and insist on blaming/shaming the men they are counseling. It is awful and it needs to change.